The Book of Satan

Welcome to the Book of Satan, Hell’s official guide to eternal torment, bureaucratic nightmares, and the finer points of managing the underworld. Written by Satan himself (with occasional input from demons), this infernal text covers everything from keeping the fires stoked to handling the endless complaints from famous souls. Whether you’re a new arrival in Hell^[1] or just curious about what goes on down below, the Book of Satan has all the rules and regulations you’ll need to navigate the fiery depths.

The Book of Satan serves as the rulebook for Hell’s operations. Every demon, tortured soul, and even Satan himself must abide by the book’s guidelines, ensuring that eternal suffering runs as smoothly as possible. From managing soul-processing quotas to Hell’s maintenance issues, this book is Satan’s go-to guide for keeping the underworld in order.

Of course, bureaucracy in Hell means there are plenty of loopholes, exceptions, and rules that even Satan finds frustrating. After all, running Hell isn’t all fire and brimstone it’s about juggling the endless paperwork and dealing with complaints from history’s worst souls.

Satan: “You think eternal suffering is easy? You try managing demons on strike and an overbooked torture chamber.”

Key Chapters of the Book of Satan

1. Torture 101: The Eternal Art of Suffering:

This chapter covers the rules and best practices for making eternal suffering as efficient as possible. With overcrowding and limited resources, Satan has had to get creative. Whether it’s rotating torture shifts or repurposing old punishment tools, this section is all about making torment work under budget constraints.

“Fires need fuel, and Hell doesn’t run on good intentions. This chapter covers how to keep those flames burning on the cheap.” Book of Satan, Chapter 1

2. Handling Famous Souls:

From Napoleon to Cleopatra, some of Hell’s most notorious residents have more complaints than torments. This chapter provides Satan’s strategies for managing the endless grievances from famous souls who think they deserve VIP treatment. Spoiler: They don’t.

“Hell isn’t a democracy. But that doesn’t stop Julius Caesar from trying to organize a Senate down here.” Book of Satan, Chapter 2

3. The Demon Labor Union: Keeping Your Workforce in Line:

In this chapter, Satan shares his tips for managing Hell’s demon workforce, including how to deal with demon strikes, requests for better working conditions, and the occasional demon rebellion. It turns out, even demons want shorter eternity shifts and better benefits.

“Hell has unions too, and let me tell you, negotiating with demons is like herding cats with pitchforks.” Book of Satan, Chapter 3

4. Hell’s Infrastructure: Escalators, Fire Pits, and Broken Systems:

Even Hell has infrastructure problems, and this chapter is dedicated to all the ways Satan tries to keep Hell’s facilities running smoothly. With the infamous escalator to Hell still out of service, this section dives into Hell’s ongoing maintenance struggles and repair backlogs.

“If the escalator’s broken, just take the stairs. Or fall. Either way, you’re getting here.” Book of Satan, Chapter 4

The Fine Print in the Book of Satan

As with any rulebook, there are plenty of loopholes, confusing directives, and fine print that even Satan finds difficult to interpret. Here are a few of the most confusing rules in the Book of Satan:

Clause 666: A demon is technically allowed to take a vacation every 1,000 years, but only if Satan personally approves it. Spoiler: He never does.
The Soul Overflow Protocol: If Hell runs out of space, Satan is required to request additional capacity from Heaven’s HR Department but let’s just say those requests tend to get “lost” in the paperwork.
Purgatory Clause: If a soul makes too many complaints, they may be temporarily reassigned to Purgatory for further review. Satan uses this as a timeout for problematic souls.

Saint Peter’s Notes on the Book of Satan

Although Saint Peter handles Heaven’s admissions, he occasionally gets a glimpse of Satan’s rulebook and has some thoughts on its complexity.

“The Book of Satan? It’s basically a bureaucratic nightmare. And I thought the soul-scanner was bad.” Saint Peter

↑ Hell isn’t a one-man show. Satan has an entire team of demons and souls who help him manage the underworld’s operations though "help" might be a strong word.

[1] Hell isn’t a one-man show. Satan has an entire team of demons and souls who help him manage the underworld’s operations though "help" might be a strong word.

[1]